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The Old Lady in My Bones

Me versus the Mayonnaise Jar

The Mexican stand-off – a rotund opponent with a blue lid lies in wait on the counter, guns drawn, and a sneer on his transparent face. I pace the floor, flexing my fingers, prepping for the fight. The old lady rubs my shoulders, like a trainer sending his boxer to the ring. We’d met before, he and I, just like this; him, standing stoutly on the counter, daring me to knock his hat from his smug face; me, limbering up in preparation for the challenge. The silver taps on the sink stood at attention, ready to offer their steaming liquid for assistance. I took a deep breath and marched forward, grabbing him by the neck and twisting with all my might…it was a magnificent battle. All the appliances gathered around; the old lady appeared by my side in a black and white striped shirt with a whistle around her neck, ready to make the call. My fingers cried out, wanting to give up, but I refused to cave. The blue lid mocked my weakness, sure of its victory; the old lady began to blow her whistle and wave her hands in the air, but this brute was not going to best me…

“Honey, can you help me with this?”

About J.G. Chayko

I am a writer living on the beautiful West Coast in Vancouver B.C. I am a poet at heart but also write prose, fiction and creative non-fiction. In my thirties, while working for a Rheumatology clinic, I was diagnosed with early Rheumatoid Arthritis. I created " The Old Lady In My Bones" to share my experience living with this disease and to create an awareness that arthritis touches people of all ages, not just the elderly.


6 thoughts on “Me versus the Mayonnaise Jar

  1. When I face that opponent I hit him on the head on the counter and grab a rubbery cloth I call my rubber husband and rip his head off. Must have my pickled beets! My honey isn’t always home to open jars for me.
    Stay well! 🙂

    Posted by Alison | August 15, 2012, 3:29 am
  2. This gave me a great laugh! Most of my fights end the same way! Fantastic writing, absolutely love it.

    Posted by Lauren | August 21, 2012, 9:30 pm
  3. I think I have one of those rubber husbands, he’s always there. I loved this one-on-one face-off. What I do is lay the culprit on its side and tap all around the edge of the lid with the blunt end of butter knife before twisting it off. Knocks his hat off every time.

    Posted by Irma | August 23, 2012, 2:24 pm
  4. I don’t have a honey – I bought a jar opener – the best I could find and even then sometimes I fail and have to wait until my daughter comes around…dang.

    Posted by Leslie | August 26, 2012, 7:24 am

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